GOD OF HAM STEALS THE XENA SHOW
By MICHELE HEWITSON
Which entertainment phenomenon has
done more for feminism in the past few years: Xena: Warrior Princess, starring
Lucy Lawless, or The Vagina Monologues, starring Lucy Lawless?
It's not a trick question.
I manage to remain genuinely perplexed about how (a) chicks in leather
mini-skirts fighting each other and (b) chicks chanting the C-word constitutes
any sort of latter-day feminist revolution. But on balance, I prefer Xena. It's
got better costumes.
Tonight is the first episode of the last series. Shame, that. If they'd kept the
thing going perhaps Lawless would never have been tempted to sit on a stage
boring us all (oh, all right, me anyway) to death with facts about how
nerve-endings in bits of the female anatomy somehow make us superior.
Never a dull moment in tonight's Xena though. Although you could argue that this
episode belongs to the late Kevin Smith as Ares, for more than the obvious
reason.
There's more ham in his performance than there is the freezer at the supermarket
at Christmas time. Which is meant as a compliment; Smith's supernatural being
turned super wimp is easily the best thing in the episode.
The God of War has lost his powers; he can't hurt a fly, let alone a Xena. Cue a
cheeky Xena entrance: she catches said fly, flicks it and sneers "Lucky for
you. The fly nearly had ya." Ares is reduced to begging a favour from the
gal pals. The only way he can get his Godhood back is to steal the Amazonians'
ambrosia stash.
Cue lots of male fantasy shots of the Amazon chicks at Amazon boot camp. And of
scantily clad sheilas fighting each other. Which brings to mind the Seinfeld
line about why cat fights are so exciting to watch: there's always the chance
they'll kiss.
Then there are the really bad chicks in the form of the shape-changing Furies
who are out to drive Ares insane (or is that the scriptwriters?) and to get the
Amazonians to turn on Xena and Gabrielle. Cool. It's all one big, bitchy
schoolgirls' scrap, except that instead of pulling each other's pigtails, these
girls are really, really mean to sisters turned traitors.
Snitch on them and they'll put your head in a frightening-looking scold's bridle
thing, with spikes. When that gets boring, you get to watch Xena taunt Ares:
"What's the matter with the God of War? You afraid of a girl?" The
props are great. Watch out for the wonderful polystyrene rock scene, and I'm not
talking about the acting. The accents are even better.
I can't think of any other TV show where you'll hear such a range of accents:
from the really bad fake American ones to the rilly broad Kiwi ones.
Perhaps Xena's real service has been not to feminism but to cross- cultural
acceptance of bad accents.
Or perhaps it's really - despite all those theses - that Xena has got something
for everyone: cleavage and pecs, action scenes and sexual tension. And the
chance of a cat fight. Now that's what I call empowering.
* Xena: Warrior Princess TV4, 8.30pm
March 19, 2002, NEW ZEALAND HERALD